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http://www.angelfire.com/de/YumCha/MemoirsChapter.html
SERIOUS
REPLIES ONLY
A
One-Act Play by Dean Barrett
At rise. Four adults are standing upstage -- a young man, a man in early
middle age, a middle-aged woman and a
transvestite.
The WOMAN is dressed conservatively, is very proper in appearance and demeanor,
and is wearing a kitchen apron. She looks as if she's just stepped out of the kitchen where she must have been
baking cookies.
The MIDDLE AGED MAN is dressed in studded leather and cowboy boots and hat or a
leather-and-levis combination and is holding a bullwhip.
The TRANSVESTITE has a purse on her shoulder and a brightly-colored feather boa
around her neck.
The YOUNG MAN is clean cut, clean shaven and casually dressed, American middle
class style, absolutely nothing
unusual about him and he is holding a bouquet of flowers.
The WOMAN walks to downstage center and faces the audience. She speaks
with a southern accent.
*********************************************
WOMAN: Hi...(wipes her hands with her apron and giggles) Never
thought in all my born days I'd be placin' an advertisement in one of these here
columns but . . . the truth is Jedediah -- my beloved husband -- he died year-
before-last and it gets a bit lonely just bakin' cookies for church socials and
leadin' fund drives for the local high school. And some of the girls in my
sewin' circle were talkin' after bingo the other night, sayin' as how it was
high time I stopped hidin' my light under a bushel basket and reached out for
some kind of companionship. And how Jedediah would have wanted me
to. Well, anyway, here goes! I'm a single white female and I would
like to perform oral sex on a male member of an American Indian tribe between
the ages of 19 and 33; preferably Comanche, Apache, Chickasaw or Choctaw.
Bein' a God-fearin', Bible-readin' Christian woman, I would prefer you be from a
tribe where no gamblin' is allowed; or at least where the roulette table has
none of them 'double zeeros' to give the House unfair odds; but, whatever, I
would consider performin' on male members of other Native American tribes such
as Pawnee, Pequot, Nez Perce, Pueblo, Crow, Creek, Blackfeet, Cherokee,
Seminole, Shawnee, Powhatan, Ojibwe --
(As theMIDDLE-AGED MANwalks downstage center, the WOMAN takes several steps
backward while still rattling
off names of Indian tribes but much softer. She stands about ten feet
behind him to one side. The MAN begins speaking after "Ojibwe"
and the WOMAN continues reciting names of tribes.)
WOMAN (cont.): Navajo, Lakota, Ogala Sioux, Hopi, Shoshone,
Kickapoo, Kiowa, Seneca, Cheyenne Arapaho, Mohawk, Suquamish, Shenacossett,
Delaware, Miami, Chippewa, Dakota, Menominee, MicMac, Miskitu, Mohave, Mohican,
Muscogee, Narragansett, Omaha, Osage, Paiute, Passamaquoddy, Pequot, Potawatomi,
Iroquois, Laguna, Lahu, Shoshone, Yaqui...(starts over from "Navajo")
(The MAN speaks in a very confident, assured, somewhat aggressive manner.
He's done it all and has nothing to hide. Occasionally, he flicks his whip.)
MAN: Hi...I'm a dominant white male and my wife is generally submissive;
but she can be switchable. I can also be switchable if you're bi, but I'm
not bi if you're switchable, unless you're a dominant bi switchable into latex
and leather, or a voyeuristically inclined cross-dressing female switchable into
silk and satin. And bi. In which case my wife is dominant; but not
bi. And I get to wear the silk and satin . . . (snaps his whip)
Serious replies only! Anyway, we're both in our early thirties with
gym-trained, well-toned hard bodies. We've been in the scene for awhile
but we're squeaky clean and expect you to be as well. We also expect you
to be non-smoking, discreet, drug and allergy-free. We're in search of an
open-minded Asian woman interested in having some fun-filled fantasies realized
- whatever's clever sort of stuff. We hope you'll actively participate,
but the first time out you might just want to watch until you get your bearings,
so to speak. We're open to just about anything or anyone but we would
prefer a Chinese female into high heels, stockings, garter belts and lingerie
somewhere between post-pubescence and pre-menopausal from either Hangchow or
Soochow, or especially from any city along the Silk Road whose name begins with
"K." My wife's a history buff so any woman from a city visited
by Marco Polo would be especially welcome. But we would consider tattooed women
from Liuchow or women into body piercing from Lanchow or women into body
building from Gwangchow or women into rubber from Yangchow or women in general
from certain other select cities in China such as Jinchow, Wuchow, Guilin,
Shanghai, Beijing, Tienjing, Ch'ungjing, Swatow, Jungshan --
(As the TRANSVESTITE walks downstage center, the MAN takes several steps
backward while still rattling off names of Chinese cities but much softer.
He stands about ten feet in the rear. As the TRANSVESTITE speaks both the MAN
and WOMAN continue reciting.)
MAN (cont.): Toi San, Hong Kong, Ao-men, Shuangliao, Nanchang,
Shaoxing, Changsha, Foshan, Anyang, Fenyang,
Chingyang, Luoyang, Hanyang, Yichang, Tsingdao, Lushun, Boshan, Jining, Hechuan,
Leshan, Pingliang, Nenjiang, Tongjiang, Fujin, Huludao, Weihai, Taoan, Jongwei,
Yulin . . . (starts over from "Toi San")
(The TRANSVESTITE arrives, takes out a powder puff and powders her face.)
TRANSVESTITE: Hi . . . I'm a pre-op transsexual and I'm in search of -- (she
looks at the audience to see if they've understood) "pre-op" . . .
"previous to the operation." (She glances at WOMAN, then back
to audience. Pats her crotch.) I haven't had my Nez Perced yet, if you
get my drift. And, believe it, Sweetie, unlike your family I'm fully
functional. And I'm looking for anyone daring enough to be interested in
having the best of both worlds. (The TRANSVESTITE glances at MAN, then
back to audience.) The yin and the yang. For those of you
swingers who will accept nothing less than both the jet-stream AND the
gulf-stream, I am your dream fantasy come true! Deny yourself no
longer. For those nights when you're horny but
you're not sure if you want Sally or Sammy -- so, hey, go for the Double
Whammy! (Powders face.) As for all of you
Guinness Book of Record people, my Big Bamboo measures nine inches erect . . . well,
maybe not, (points at audience
member) but at least it appears on the radar screen which is more than I can
say for yours. (powders face.) And, I
hasten to remind you, fully functional. Rain or shine. Longitude or
latitude. Bad-ass with a bad attitude. And I'm in search of anyone
of either sex -- make that "any sex" -- with astrological and animal
signs compatible with mine. That would mean you were born Aquarius during
the Year of the Horse or Year of the Snake or Year of the Tiger
or born Libran during the Year of the Rat or Year of the Boar or Year of the Pig
or Year of the Cock . . . (As the last ACTOR walks downstage center,
the TRANSVESTITE takes several steps backward while still rattling off
astrological signs and animal names but much softer; all three ACTORS continue
reciting.) Or Cancer born in the Year of the Goat, Year of the Monkey,
Year of the Dog, Year of the Snake, or Sagitarius born in the Year of the Rat,
Year of the Horse, Year of the Ox, Year of the Tiger, or Peices born in the Year
of the Serpent or Year of the Boar or Year of the Goat or Year of the Dragon or
Aries born in the Year of the Rabbit, Year of the Horse, Year of the Dog . . .
(BOB
is diffident, shy, embarrassed.)
BOB: Hi . . . My name is Bob. First-time advertiser (fidgets
nervously) . . . Well, it's the old story, I guess. I split up
with my girlfriend a few months ago and I'm kind of lonely and I'd really like
to meet a nice girl . . . We could maybe like go out on a date, (briefly
holds up flowers) have dinner, that kind of thing, and see if we like each
other some. And, if all goes well, we might get more involved. Not that I
mean to rush anyone but I am an old-fashioned serious type of person who would
like to date with a view toward a long relationship possibly ending in marriage.
(At the word "marriage" the other three stop reciting and stare
horrified at BOB.) And a family. I mean, we could have a home in
the suburbs with a real grass lawn and genuine concrete driveway while I build
up a business and you become a soccer mom and bake cookies for the local PTA and
we raise a house full of kids and a dog or two and . . . (BOB turns to
look behind him, first to the left, then to the right; he sees the others are
staring at him; then he turns back to the audience. The other ACTORS
slowly move toward BOB. They nod in agreement with what he says.) And
the house will smell of kids' urine and dog doo, and the kids'll most likely
hate us both and get into drugs . . . and you'll get bored with me and I'll get
bored with you . . . and no matter how hard I work, the debts will pile up . . .
and we'll lose interest in making love with each other and we'll start lying to
each other and start having affairs with others . . . (The WOMAN takes
the flowers from his hand.)
And we'll argue in front of the kids and the kids'll cry and you'll shout and
throw things and I'll lose my temper
and hit you . . . (The MAN places the whip into BOB's hand which held
the flowers.) And you'll call the police and file for divorce . . .
and we'll both get lawyers . . . and I'll start drinking heavily and my business
will fail . . . (The TRANSVESTITE places the boa around BOB's neck and
quickly gives each of his cheeks a pat with a powder puff, then all THREE ACTORS
take a step back and wait. BOB snaps the whip. Bob continues, with renewed
vigor.)
Hi, I'm Bob. I'm kinky as hell and I'm in search of a very, very brief
relationship. Serious replies only! (The other three ACTORS nod their
heads in unison.)
MAN/WOMAN/TRANSVESTITE: Uh, huh.
BLACKOUT
THE END
Note: The chanting of place names, etc. shouldsound almost religious. The
actors should be bathed in soft spots while they are reciting.
Copyright 2000 Dean Barrett No part of this play may be performed or published
without written permission from the playwright
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